Ever since Paris' address book leaked out over the Internet this past weekend, my phone has been ringing off the hook. Yeah we hooked up once people. Get over it already. I told her to use a password more secure than the name of her chihuahua for her phone but there is just no talking to that girl. So onto the more interesting starlets gracing the red carpet at this Sunday's 77th running of the Oscars. Do you want to know who should be preparing their acceptance speech, who should pull a Tonya Harding and who should crash this party? Well you've come to the right place for all the information that's relevant and completely irrelevant regarding the batch of films that was 2004. So sharpen those #2 pencils and get your Oscar pool form primed because I've got the winners for you right here.

So let's cut to the chase shall we. Best Picture. Usually you have to wait 8 hours and deal with the sleep hangover the next morning to find out the one thing you were actually watching this blasted thing for. The envelope please. The winner for 2004's best picture will be the Aviator and while you are up here Scorsese we might as well give you your best director statue as well. Save you from having to straddle those ten people to reach the aisle again. Scorsese hasn't won an Oscar yet. Yes you heard correctly. No Oscar for Taxi Driver. No Oscar for Good Fellas. No Oscar for Raging Bull. The list of modern classics by Scorsese is staggering yet so is Oscar's neglect of his talent. Scorsese will win the "we're sorry we treated you like chopped liver for all these years old pal" award while the more deserving combo of Million Dollar Baby and the most talented director in Hollywood at the moment, Clint Eastwood, will get the snub. It's not pretty or fair but that is Hollywood politics. So now that we've covered who will win and who should win from those nominated, who should really win? Who is the Taxi Driver we'll look back on 10 years from now and call for Hollywood's head on a stick for overlooking? That is none other than Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. This brilliant film is everything Hollywood is afraid of. A smartly written script that defies convention, is completely baffling to figure out how to market and is honest to its quirky core. Charlie Kauffman will take away best original screenplay for his efforts but Hollywood is simply throwing this movie a bone. It deserves so much more but it was not to be.

Ok onto our talented actors and actresses. No debate in the top slots. Jamie Foxx will win (and deserves to win) for his portrayal of Ray Charles in Ray. At no point in that movie did I see Jamie Foxx. It was all Ray Charles. If Jamie Foxx didn't bend our view of him this year, Don Cheadle would have been the man. His work in Hotel Rwanda is so good. He outdoes himself being the strong core his countrymen gathered around in the face of death surrounding them. He's the only man who should even give Foxx a run for his money in this category. As for our best actress, that is Hillary Swank in Million Dollar Baby. Ladies for future reference, if you see Hillary Swank is starring in a film, and you have Oscar ambitions, beg your producer to push your release date back to the following year. Swank pulls no punches and is impeccable in choosing roles.

Moving on to the supporting actor and actress categories. This should be a clean sweep for Closer. Natalie Portman and Clive Owen play two of the strongest characters on film this year. The entire cast of Closer was filled with ugly souls that tormented you but Portman and Owen went above and beyond to possess their characters. You felt them seethe off the screen as you squirmed uncomfortably in your seat. Both will sadly go home empty handed in this category. Morgan Freeman will win for Million Dollar Baby and Cate Blanchett will win for the Aviator. No question that both performances were brilliant and made their respective films what they were yet they fell short of Owen and Portman's work. Freeman will win because he too has yet to snag Oscar. The Shawshank Redemption, Driving Mrs. Daisy, Unforgiven come on people! So Morgan will win for the same reason Scorsese will. He's due. Blanchett really becomes Catherine Hepburn in the Aviator and Hollywood loves to see one of its own done right. Don't be surprised if dark horse candidate Virginia Madsen walks away with it. Her understated performance in Sideways and the academy's otherwise neglect of this great film could really take her all the way.

As for the remaining interesting categories, let's go with The Sea Inside as best foreign film (Umm...excuse me. Why wasn't The Motorcycle Diaries nominated?), Super Size Me as best documentary and Sideways for best adapted screenplay. So there you have it. I haven't the time or the patience for best makeup, set design or the oodles of other categories that no one cares about. If you win big in your Oscar pool, I expect a 20% cut.